Fighting Over Money
How to Prevent One Common Argument from Ruining A Marriage
People often come into marriage with different spending habits, values, and viewpoints. Couples all consciously or unconsciously carry memories of the way their parents spent money and how they taught them that money should be spent. In marriage these two separate standpoints merge, and it’s not always easy. Sometimes couples rarely discuss money prior to exchanging vows and are surprised or even shocked at the way their partner handles their finances.
In order to prevent these arguments from destroying a marriage, couples must first assess what financial problems exist. In essence, what are they fighting about?
Is it a lack of money? Is one partner more financially educated, and feeling frustrated at having to carry the burden of balancing the budget? Is the couple fighting over what is important enough to spend money on?
Or, is one more thrifty and the other a spend-a-holic? Does one person make more money than the other, yet feel he or she should not be obligated to contribute more to the household? Should spouses merge bank accounts? Did one person come into the marriage with unresolved debt? Did they keep this debt a secret, causing mistrust in their spouse?
Understanding What You Are Really Fighting About
Money often becomes a symbol couples use to play out other concerns. If couples are fighting to keep bank accounts separate, they may truly be fighting to over control of their own lives. If they are nit-picking on what to buy next, it may be they just want their opinion heard -- and respected.
Money, to some, can also be equated to love and affection, especially if they were often bought lavish gifts as a child in exchange for affection.
Money is often a symbol of stability and security, and if someone doesn’t have enough, it awakens feelings of anxiety.
If one spouse is making less than the other, they other may be uncomfortable with feelings of dependency and yearning for her own personal financial freedom.
If one spouse is in the habit of leaking money like a broken faucet, where does that need to constantly buy new things comes from? People often shop when bored, angry, or upset, or to fill a void.
Some partners argue about money when it comes time to decide about having children. This may be more about their feelings towards having kids than it does about the money.
Money can also be about trust, and whether or not couples trust their spouse to independently make purchases.
How To Cope With Financial Arguments
First, the main way to keep financial harmony is communication, communication, communication!
- Couples need to take the time to get to know and understand their partner. What experiences did they have with money growing up? How did their parents value money? Note what similarities and differences there are.
- Discuss future goals and dreams. How can both partners work together to achieve them?
- Know what kind of lifestyle the other is expecting to enjoy.
- When discussing money, only talk about money. Do not use it as an excuse to segue into other, unrelated arguments.
- Find a place or an activity that keeps everyone calm during money discussions, like during a hike, listening to music, or when the kids are asleep.
- Fight on behalf of each other. If there is something the other truly wants, work together to plan a way to make it possible. Otherwise, resentment festers.
- Neither spouse should be afraid to say what they are really thinking.
- Instead of focusing on past debts or issues, look forward. Couples should make a game plan targeting how they will work together as a team to resolve debt and save for the future.
- Couples should agree that they must both agree on major purchases before making them.
- Lastly, get outside, objective help. People are more likely to calmly represent their situation to a financial planner than they will be toward their own spouse.
Money is one of the most oft argued about things in marriages. It usually represents more than checks and balances, and it takes commitment to truly stop and understand what the argument is really about. When coping with financial arguments, take the time to calmly assess the situation before someone blows. It is not impossible to survive money arguments – it just takes communication.
Fighting over Money
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